sadness

It's been a tough evening of missing Nigeria. Lots of tears.

Read more of my "processing" thoughts here.

a verse, an image, a thought

I'd like to share an opinion today. Okay, I guess I do that every day, but I'm raiding the secret archives of my brain and sharing something that I've often thought but never spoken.

A fellow blogger recently called Psalm 139 to mind. While the psalm in its entirety is worth a read (and a re-read, for that matter) it is verse 5 specifically that has always stood out to me:

"You hem me in, behind and before. Your hand is on me."

Simply put, I adore this verse. I love that my God is so personally invested in my life: not in a wind-the-watch-sit-back-and-watch-it-tick kind of way, but in the created-me-knows-my-thoughts-his-hand-is-ON-me kind of way.

I've been aware of this verse for a very long time--years, in fact--and it has always conjured up a certain image in my mind. For self-preservation, I have never shared this image with anyone, because it's kind of girly and a little embarrassing, like having an iTunes playlist called Sad Songs that you listen to for a couple days each month. Wait, what? Did I just admit that? Never mind.

I watch a lot of movies, right? Especially here in Nigeria, where I can buy 15 on one disc and not feel bad about watching them ALL because I have to get my money's worth. Romantic comedies are a personal favorite. I mean, I really like action movies, Bogey-and-Hepburn-type movies, and the ones that make me think, but for brainless entertainment, I'll take a corny romantic comedy, extra cheese.

In most of these fluffy favorites, there's a ridiculously overwrought moment in which the female protagonist struggles against the male protagonist. His arms are braced against her shoulders; she may or may not be crying, screaming, and throwing punches. She carries on like this for a while, but invariably, she surrenders herself, tired of struggling, tired of resisting, just flat-out exhausted. And in the moment she decides she can't do it any longer, she lets herself be loved.

Ladies and gents, welcome to verse 5.

This is what I do. I get all stubborn and pushy. I think I can do God's job better than He can. I try to fake Him out. But He knows me. He knows my thoughts while I think them, He knows my words before I say them. So He holds my shoulders while I thrash around and waits for me to tire myself out. Which I do, of course, and then I realize I am literally caught in the most mind-blowing, deep-as-an-ocean, knows-all-my-faults-and-doesn't-care kind of love I will ever know. Exhausted as I am, I just rest in the knowledge that my life is not my own. I am hemmed in, behind and before, by Love that will not let me go.

Amen and amen.

thought for the day

Sometimes I worry that my life will never be as exciting as it is right now. Not that life in Nigeria is glamorous, but I am anticipating some letdown, at least initially.

Today I found myself a little piece of two-penny wisdom:

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

I will not let myself forget that every inch of my life matters, not just the overseas parts.


For the record, that quote came from the illimitable genius of Dustin Hoffman in "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." Yes, occasionally I watch kids' movies. I'm a teacher. Don't judge me.

the ugly truth

There's not enough honesty these days. Let's start a revolution. I'll go first, okay?

1. I eat when I'm bored. It's not such a problem here in Nigeria, where the readily-available snacks include peanuts and mangoes, but it might be a problem when I move home.

2. Every day I become a little bit more like my mom. Happy Mother's Day, Mama! I love you!

3. I hate chalk. My students find this hilarious. I wrap my chalk in masking tape so I don't have to touch it. Interestingly enough, I can scrape my nails down a chalkboard--no problem--but chalk dust gives me the shivers.

4. My full name is Margaret Emma, but I never met either great-grandmother whose name I bear. I wish I knew more about them.

5. The astronomical maternal mortality rates in Nigeria really bother me. I wish I had a background in medicine or nursing so I could make a difference in that area.

6. I always cry in the first 2 minutes of Love Actually. The Heathrow Airport arrivals gate scene gets me every time.

7. Given the opportunity, I would share just one message with every teenage girl: You are beautiful. I feel like this world would be a different place if every girl believed that about themselves.

8. I am judgmental. I think it is my ugliest flaw, and the most stubborn one to ditch.

9. I'm very aware of how other people see me and I worry what others think of me. It is grossly unhealthy and quite hypocritical. See #7.

10. Someday I'm going to own a yellow Labrador. I hope this is sooner rather than later.

Okay, your turn. Leave a comment and tell me something true about you.