But I'm different. I've changed somehow.
And the change isn't that I've learned how to speak Nigerian Pidgin English or how to bargain in the market or how to live my life without electricity. It is all that, but it's not.
It's loneliness rooted in the fear that no one may ever perfectly understand me now that I've attached myself to a country in West Africa. It's the fear that I will never leave Nigeria and the fear that I will leave Nigeria.
It's being bothered by how much my life has changed and by how much it hasn't. It's easy to say I've become more dependent on God in Nigeria, but did you know that moving to Africa doesn't fix what was wrong or missing in your relationship with Jesus Christ before you left?
It's the alarming disparity between my calloused heart ignoring the lame beggar in the market and fighting tears while singing worship songs.
It's seeing change in places I didn't expect and not seeing change in the places I counted on.
The change creeps in and the change floods me. I'm over- and underwhelmed at the exact same time. I'm brave and I'm a coward. I love my life and I hate it because I could be--should be--living it better.
I ran headlong and face-first, with arms outstretched, to this place because I didn't see any open doors, or forks in the road, or lights at ends of tunnels. I saw an opportunity and I ran. I ran away from life, I ran towards life.
I am two-faced. I am conflicted. I am living with one foot in this life and one in the
I don't know how to explain the change, but I know this is only the beginning.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
Through every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil...
All other ground is sinking sand.
Hi Maggie,
ReplyDeleteWow, what a phenomenal blog! I am a friend and colleague of your mom's (I met you briefly when I was at your house a couple months ago), and I wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind so much!
Through your mom, I have heard about your bold and brave adventures...and I needed you to know what an inspiration you are! You are courageous and strong to go where you are called to go, and humble enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable and learn about yourself, life, and God along the way.
What a difference you are making as you shine your light out into the world!
Blessings to you, Maggie, as you continue on in this amazing journey...know that you have such a strong support team cheering you on!
Love,
Michelle S.
Great post Sweetie. I'm reading a lot of joy in it.
ReplyDeleteJames 1:2-4
Love, Dad
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteFrom experience, I can tell you that forever, you will now have two homes and you will never quite feel full because you will always be missing a part of where you are not. Yet some how, it is a blessing, a real gift from God to have experienced another culture to the point where you can't bear the thought of being without it. And it is strange, you are you, but you are different- and I don't honestly think anyway will every fully understand how.
It sounds like you are making the most of your experience- keep it up! How's school?
Hi Maggie... Cousin Gayle here thinking of YOU and catching up on your blog.
ReplyDeleteMy college roommate Mary is visiting from MN and I was telling her about you today (as we were sitting by the Sea in my little slice of Paradise :-). I'll be forwarding your Blog address to her so she can read about you, a phenomenal young women who has ventured forth to a new and different life. I find your courage amazing!
I'm reading a series of books by a wonderful writer, Marlena de Blasi, and sent this Quote of the Day to several friends, "The really precious parts of life are transportable, not conditions of geography." This really made me think of you, although you are half way around the World, you are forever close to my heart! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!