I've reluctantly accepted that teaching is not my favorite hobby. Unfortunately, my voice is too loud and my fuse too short to be a good combination in a Grade 6 classroom.
Believe me, I'm trying. I'm trying to change my tone of voice. I'm trying to push my level of patience well past limitless. I'm failing quite miserably, to be honest. The amount of times I lost my temper this week is embarrassing and shameful. I'm a grownup; I should have better control.
The truth is I'm tired. I'm frustrated with my kids for being kids, and frustrated with myself for that. I really wish I could love this job AND have the incredible patience for it. In short, I've totally broken my New Year's Resolution. Crap.
Then I had my formal teaching evaluation. The superintendent observed 2 of my classes last week and later gave me the written feedback. You guys, the writeup actually contained the phrase "born teacher." The whole thing was so shiny and positive it could have been a gold star. Can that possibly be true, this week's meltdowns notwithstanding?
If she's wrong, it means my students are the issue. When she's there, they're angels. When she's gone, I burst a blood vessel.
If she's right, however, then teaching is something I may do well, but don't love doing.
Allow me to convey how much this catch-22 sucks. If I stop teaching, it will feel like a waste. I can see my students finally connecting to literature, and to walk away now will feel like abandonment. If I stay, burnout will be a very real issue for me. I don't like the idea of being that teacher who's really good when she's in a good mood, and terribly ineffective when she's mad.
I wish I loved teaching enough to make it enough to stay. I don't.
Edit: Despite my leanings, I have not made a final decision yet.
I'm holding out until the deadline. Bear with me.
2 weeks ago
Teaching is a passion, just like any other career. I love what I do, but I have weeks or specific students that try my patience, too.
ReplyDeleteWith age comes the wisdom to separate your effectiveness from a group of problem students. Like everything else in this world, student interest waxes and wanes. I have had years where I have 10 students from a graduating class and years where I have 1 student from a graduating class.
In short, if I didn't love what I do, despite the setbacks and frustrations presented, I wouldn't still be doing it. I'm not trying to push you one way or the other, because that is ultimately between you and God.
My best advice, as someone ten years your senior, is to do what makes you happy and makes you feel fulfilled. If that's teaching, hooray! If it isn't, find that certain thing that makes you look forward to working every day and run with it. As always, seek the guidance of the Lord, because He will not lead you astray.
I have to admit, I am waiting on pins and needles.
ReplyDeleteMuch love
Aunt Robin
i really think Patience it learned.. that is if it isnt like a gifting.. Mines getting way better then it was.. just takes LOTS of time and different testing situations. :) You can do it!
ReplyDeleteDear Maggie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you...and I have been there...and it sounds as though Donna and I are in quasi-similar places and her advice is sound. I will continue to be praying for you in the upcoming days and I pray that Psalm 37:4 will be vividly realized in your life and heart.
With love,
Deborah <3